Ok....guess I am out of good things to post for ya'll today. Really hard to gather the strength right now. Do you ever question God? Your faith? I mean, seriously, do you? My faith is something that has always been ''different'' but there. I question everything. Drives this family crazy.
Right now....I really question God. I know w are not suppose to, but I am...and SUPER BIG TIME!!! Actually, I am ''ROYALLY PISSED'' at him. Don't let that worry you away from this blog. Please. Saturday morning, just as out of bed, my husband walked up to me and said he had to tell me something....something really bad. I immediately thought of my mother. She is not in good health, so thought she had either a bad relapse, or possibly had died. He grabbed my shoulders, hugged me really tight, and said...."We lost Nikki this morning.'' I tried to pull back from him, not understanding, but he held me really tight, and I realized he was crying too. Then I knew he was talking about ''OUR NIKKI''....
''Our Nikki'' is a friend of the family. She is just turned 48 yrs. young. Still looks like a beautiful teenager. One of the most beautiful, brightest, forever present smiles you will see on someone. One that is there CONSTANTLY. My husband's mother and her's were best friends, her brother and my husband are best friends since age 5. He has known Nikki since birth. I have only the past 35 1/2 yrs. Her dad was in our shower as he was telling me. We live about 115 mi. apart, so visiting is quite often between the guys, as they are big golf buddies.  Someone wake me from this horrible nightmare!!! It is worse than a child's dream of monsters! I can't laugh about this one. I just want to scream at God....send her back to us!!!!!! PLEASE.....WE NEED HER SO MUCH! SHE IS NOT DONE HERE!!!! THINK OF HER BABIES! PLEASE. IT'S NOT DOING ANY GOOD. I keep hearing the others saying how he must have really needed this special angel more, but I am really not understanding the pure hell my heart is feeling for this. Why does he leave the bad people around? The murderers, child molestors? I mean there are soooo many horribly worse people in this world. I know we are suppose to witness to them, forgive them. I CAN'T!!!!!! I AM 55 YEARS OLD...AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS RIGHT NOW!!!! If my heart feels like this....what must the children, Jim, Chuck & Sharon, Sara, Bethany be feeling. This family has lost so much themselves the past 3-5 yrs...this is the worst except for Shelby. We needed you more, Nikki....I promise we will always need you more!!!! I hope you can reach down and teach us why so we can understand why He wanted you more. Love you baby girl.....rest in peace.

Today is Wednesday, April 25, 2012. I wrote the above on Thursday, January 12, 2012. We lost Nikki that Saturday, January 7th to a car accident @ 4:30 AM after taking Zach to get on the bus for his band trip. We may never know what happened that mile from home. All I know is that we are all still in shock, still missing her, and the pain is still so bad!!!! I personally cry for her almost daily. I found this in the draft section. Posting it may seem strange to many, but it is my blog....and I have to do it when I feel I can share. I hope you understand.